* Nut Juice? Try Nut Job!

Nut job david smith
Dairy Nut Job David R. Smith

Thirsty? Pour yourself a nice warm glass of Goat Secretions. Yum!

In testimony before the House Ag Committee a week or so ago, David R. Smith, the executive director of the Pennsylvania Dairymen’s Association was put forward by Jim Mulhern and the NMPF to testify.

Big mistake there, Jimbo.

Smith sputtered through his prepared statement then wandered entirely off script until Chairman Jim Costa (D-Ca) threw in the mercy towel and cut him off for droning on well past his time limit. Smith began to go off the rails when he railed how devastated he was his grandchildren could not get whole, full fat milk served to them in their school. But his best line was about how upset he was that long-established products such as soy and almond milk could use the word “milk.” Smith then expressed his outrage over the plethora of “nut juice” products on the market.

Jeez, Mulhern, did anyone in your highly-paid operation bother vetting this guy?

A few more minutes and Smith would have tried to implicate the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati in a conspiracy to “sap our precious bodily fluids” (aka Gen. Jack D. Ripper‘s central reason for starting nuclear war in the movie Dr. Strangelove).

Gen. Jack Ripper
Gen. Jack D. Ripper, USAF

Speaking of fluids, the definition of “milk” that NMPF is demanding from the FDA would prohibit “any mammary secretions” that are not “bovine.” That would not only exclude plant-based milk, but other animals such as goats. In other words, the sellers of goat milk would have to relabel their product as something other than milk.

May we suggest “Goat Secretions” or “Goat Juice?”

David R. Smith’s grandchildren would be eternally grateful. But only if it is “full-fat goat juice.”

 

 

 

 

 

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