* Nut Juice? Try Nut Job!

Nut job david smith
Dairy Nut Job David R. Smith

Thirsty? Pour yourself a nice warm glass of Goat Secretions. Yum!

In testimony before the House Ag Committee a week or so ago, David R. Smith, the executive director of the Pennsylvania Dairymen’s Association was put forward by Jim Mulhern and the NMPF to testify.

Big mistake there, Jimbo.

Smith sputtered through his prepared statement then wandered entirely off script until Chairman Jim Costa (D-Ca) threw in the mercy towel and cut him off for droning on well past his time limit. Smith began to go off the rails when he railed how devastated he was his grandchildren could not get whole, full fat milk served to them in their school. But his best line was about how upset he was that long-established products such as soy and almond milk could use the word “milk.” Smith then expressed his outrage over the plethora of “nut juice” products on the market.

Jeez, Mulhern, did anyone in your highly-paid operation bother vetting this guy?

A few more minutes and Smith would have tried to implicate the Trilateral Commission and the Illuminati in a conspiracy to “sap our precious bodily fluids” (aka Gen. Jack D. Ripper‘s central reason for starting nuclear war in the movie Dr. Strangelove).

Gen. Jack Ripper
Gen. Jack D. Ripper, USAF

Speaking of fluids, the definition of “milk” that NMPF is demanding from the FDA would prohibit “any mammary secretions” that are not “bovine.” That would not only exclude plant-based milk, but other animals such as goats. In other words, the sellers of goat milk would have to relabel their product as something other than milk.

May we suggest “Goat Secretions” or “Goat Juice?”

David R. Smith’s grandchildren would be eternally grateful. But only if it is “full-fat goat juice.”






* What’s labeled in Japan STAYS in Japan…

Mulhern and NMPF to U.S. Consumers:


くそくらえ”  *

(* Literal translation: “screw you.”)

In a bald-faced hypocrisy that could stun a cow, the Big Dairy producers and their inscrutable chief lobbyist, Jim Mulhern-san, has made demands that, under the proposed US-Japan free trade agreement, the Japanese government do the EXACT opposite of what the NMPF is demanding the FDA do here.

Specifically, the NMPF is calling for protection in Japan for “prior users” of common names – “defined as those that made use of a term” before this year. Of course Mulhern-san & Co. blithely ignore NMPF’s ill-defined “lacteal secretion of a bovine” campaign here at home aimed at upending the use of common food names like soy milk and almond milk, and rice milk which have been used for decades!

The NMPF says it’s concerned that consumers are confused by label names like 大豆 ミル because clearly it is not from the 分泌物 from a ウシ.

NMPF is slicing and dicing label names faster than Bennihana.

Old Japanese proverb say: “Mulhern-san have more faces than two-headed calf.”

In a related development, a replacement has been named for NMPF spokesperson Larry Bjerga:


* One Toke Over the Line

Mulhern & Co. fire up that bad boy…

After their disappointing efforts to get Congress to redefine the word “milk” to gain market advantage over plant-based food competitors, at least one member of the National Milk Producers Federation has decided to rebrand their product (dairy milk) to mimic that of the plant foods folks.

Presenting  (“Tah, tah la tah tah tah, da!”):

Grass Milk


Seriously? The new NMPF strategy appears to be an attempt to try to confuse consumers that their milk is made from grass. Yeah, like a nursing mother’s milk was made from the pepperoni pizza she had for dinner the night before. Talk about misleading labeling.  Sheesh.

But maybe we should give the NMPF more credit. Maybe this is nothing more than a clever ruse to appropriate the word “grass” like they tried to abscond with the word “milk.” Of course there are some inherent problems with that strategy. For instance, the word “grass” in Colorado might mean something entirely different than it does in, say, Alabama. What’s next? CBD infused yogurt or cheese?

Or maybe it’s just an attempt to sell more dairy milk to go with the chocolate chip munchies that inevitably accompany the Colorado version of “grass.”

Why do we get the feeling this strategy was hatched in the offices of NMPF leader “Ganja Jim” Mulhern? UdderStupidity has been able to get an exclusive photo from that planning session with NMPF’s outside marketing consultants:

cheech and chong

* It all depends on what your definition of “milk” is.

Bill Clinton to replace Gottleib at FDA?

bill clinton cigar

Dr. Scott Gottleib has pretty much left the building. The good doctor recently announced his retirement as the FDA commissioner. And word on the street (well, at least our street) is that former president Bill Clinton is in the lead for replacing Gottleib.

“What?” you say. “Why on earth would Bill Clinton take the job?”  Well, there is a certain logic to it. He would give President Trump another golfing partner. He’s not that busy these days. And most of all, it would get him a great excuse to get out the house and the hell away from Hillary.

And just what event ignited our wild speculation about Bill Clinton? Here is what Clinton recently told Wolf Blitzer on CNN:

I live on beans, legumes, vegetables, fruit, and I drink a protein supplement every morning. No dairy. I drink almond milk.

This is Jim Mulhern’s and the NMPF’s worst nightmare: an almond-milk-loving Bill Clinton overseeing Big Dairy’s attempt to re-define the word “milk” so they can force people from using the word on their products (which, by the way, the plant-based foods people have been doing since Bill Clinton was in college not inhaling).

Of course, our speculation about Bill Clinton going to FDA is just idiotic, irresponsible and not based in reality – just like NMPF’s Dairy Pride Act.

But to cover his bets, we hear Mulhern is sucking up to the former president by sending him a special gift: a big box of cigars.  Nice.


* Like whizzin’ in the Grand Canyon.

pissing in grand canyon

After a series of losses, Mulhern and Milk Producers try expanding the field – and the opportunity for even MORE defeats.

Ya gotta hand it to Mulhern and the Big Dairy folks. After Congress handed their Dairy Pride Act a humiliating loss, Mulhern & Co. ran to the FDA to try and get a favorable bureacruatic ruling. Just in time for the FDA Administrator, Scott Gottlieb, to retire (face plant goes here). Even a favorable ruling by the FDA would leave the Macho Milk Men in a limbo that – at best – would mean they would face massive lawsuits to prevent their hijacking the word “milk.”

So what would any overpaid, insecure trade association honcho do when facing a battlefield littered with defeats? Why, EXPAND THE BATTLEFIELD! of course.

That is apparently the reason why the milk boys lined up and obscure Arizona state legislator to introduce an amendment to a “meat labeling” bill for some reason that also required plant-based foods to label their products as “imitation” milk. After a careful search and screening for just the right person to carry the milk pail for them, Mulhern and crew came up with rancher and state Rep. David Cool to carry them to victory in Arizona.

David Cook 2
AZ Rep. David Cook


Now our most loyal readers of UdderStupidity (all three of them) might be forgiven if that name doesn’t ring a bell. But the good folks in Arizona would know him from an incident just a couple of months ago in which the Jolly Rancher Rep. Cook was arrested for DUI. Now everybody makes mistakes, but Rep. Cook compounded his error when, asked repeatedly by the arresting officer for his drivers license, Rep. Cook gave him his House of Rep. ID card instead. The officer also noticed an open bottle of wine along with used solo cups in the back seat. Then Cook threatened the officer by snarling “Don’t worry. You’ll get yours.”  Cook also scored an impressive 1.52 on the breathalyzer.

Rep. Cook’s defense? “As God is my witness occifer, I thought that wuz a bottle of grape juice. You know – imitation wine. You should be using your time to round up these damn ‘standards of identity’ hooligans instead of rousting reseptivle, uh, resputable, uh respectable politicians like me. Now excuse me while I barf on your boots.”

Okay, okay, we made up that last part, but you can see where this was heading. This past week, Rep. Cook’s meat/milk bill went down to defeat in Arizona. Way to pick ‘em, Mulhern.

But take heart, Jimbo. We know you are looking anywhere for a win so you can keep your job, and the good news is there are 49 more states to try. Surely one of them will be dumb enough to pass something you could call a victory.

We hear Delaware’s not that busy these days.

* Surrendering with Dignity

“If you give a Mouse a Cookie….

mouse a cookie

“He’s going to ask for a glass of milk.”

But what kind of milk?  Dairy?  Soy?  Almond?  Goat?  Coconut?

This is reaching the absurd level.  National Milk now says it’s okay to use the word “milk” as long as you also use the word “imitation” in describing a non-dairy product.  No word from Jim Mulhern whether this also applies to his own association.  It would be awkward in the extreme if he were held to a similar standard and be forced to say NMPF was not just a trade organization, but was an ineffective “imitation” trade organization.

Seriously, after millions of dollars of their members’ money for lobbying in a years’ long, failed effort to redefine the word milk, the National Milk Producers appear to be throwing in the towel.

Mulhern & Co. has just filed a petition with the FDA demanding that soymilk, almond milk, rice milk, coconut milk, et al, be labeled as “imitation milk.”  Quite the turnaround from years demanding the word “milk” should be for the exclusive use of its members.

What is truly amazing is that NMPF has chosen to do this just after the FDA’s comment period on milk labeling has just ended and at a time when the FDA has not even reviewed all of the comments.  Yet Mulhern is already trying to lower expectations and negotiate.  This is not the action of someone who is dealing from a position of strength — or a full deck of cards.  It’s the reaction of a guy trying to keep his job.

Remember, Mulhern and the NMPF have waged a two year campaign to BAN the word milk from the above mentioned products, … now he’s willing to cop a plea before FDA issues sentencing on his case.

Ironically, just weeks ago, NMPF was holding firm: it was the DAIRY Pride Act or bust, saying “fake milk products” can no longer be allowed to “identify themselves in ways that imply dairy equivalence” and that “use of the word milk must be limited to the lacteal secretions of a bovine.

Now?  Uh, … well, … not so much.  Now they are saying go ahead and keep the word milk on the label … just find room on the package to put the word “imitation.”

How about some “imitation” leadership on this “imitation” issue from Mulhern’s “imitation” lobbying group?  Don’t hold your breath.

NMPF was asked in a recent press scrum if “goat milk” should be labeled as “imitation” since it is the lacteal secretion of a NON-bovine, and using the word “milk” would thus violate the dairy standards of identity that NMPF has spent millions to try to enforce. Someone’s been reading our blog, haven’t you Mulhern?  The status of goat milk is near and dear to us at Udder Stupidity (see here and here).

Their backpedaling answer: Oh, well, on second thought, it’s OK to use the word milk as long as it is identified by “species”  – which raises another interesting conundrum – the definition of a soybean: Glycine max is a species of legume native to East Asia, widely grown for its edible bean, which has numerous uses, such as soymilk, and — evidently –nuts. soynuts

See where the idiocy of defining common words leads?  Soy is a bean.  Or is it a legume? Or is it a nut?  Or is it the main ingredient in soy milk?  All we can say to the milk producers is that we wouldn’t recommend you attempt to “milk” soynuts – those little suckers can get nasty when you try.

Hard to see how the NMPF could come up with a more stupid strategy, but they continue to amaze and surprise.

Got milk?  Want a cookie?

* Who cut the cheese?!?!


cow fart

As if Mulhern and the milk producers don’t have enough to worry about …

Yeah, the whole “definition of the word milk” now before the FDA may have to take a back seat while the NMPF addresses a more odorous problem.

Cow farts.

It seems Rep Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-Planet Dingbat) wants to do away with farting cows.  And while there are few if any methane-producing cows from her district, her state (New York) is the nation’s 4th largest dairy producing state.

AOC’s fact sheet about her “Green New Deal” explains that “We set a goal to get to net-zero, rather than zero emissions, in 10 years because we aren’t sure that we’ll be able to fully get rid of farting cows and airplanes that fast.”

In response to this threat from the FCC (Farting Cow Caucus), Mulhern and the NMPF are reportedly trying to get the FDA to re-define the word “fart.”  Ideally, such a new rule would closely resemble language similar to their effort to redefine “milk.”  UdderStupidity has been able to obtain a copy of the proposed rule change:

“As it relates to methane reduction legislation offered by Cong. Occasional-Cortex’s Green New Deal, the word ‘fart’ will exclude emanations of noxious gases produced by the anal secretions of a bovine.”

Problem solved?

Almost.  The NMPF will still have to deal with the millions of lactose intolerant Americans who, when they drink milk, produce the aforementioned “farts.”

Can’t wait to see what Mulhern & Co. come up with for that one.

If the folks at the FDA are human (and our sources tell us some of them actually are) they must be laughing their butts off.

cow fart 2